Here, there is a Tory credibility gap arising from their willingness to outbid Labour on so many of its spending commitments, while offering tax cuts, which Michael Portillo, the shadow Chancellor, must address this week. Already, the Tories say they will spend the same as Labour on health (and probably on education). Now we even have Mr Hague writing a blank cheque, to exceed whatever Mr Brown will spend to buy off the pensioners, without knowing by how much the Chancellor himself will increase the state pension. This really does confirm the impression of riding every passing bandwagon.Labour is pulling a clever trick by harping on about the Tories' "£16bn" hole in their public expenditure plans, and are implying that the Tories will make cuts in current expenditure This is a naked untruth But still, the mud is sticking. Just as the Tories were successful, in 1992, in creating fear out of Labour's "tax bombshell", so Labour is now using the same tactics by turning the tables on the Tories' credibility on public expenditure.Nevertheless, Labour is right to point out that the Tory figures do not yet add up, and Mr Portillo has more work to do in convincing the country that he can offer tax cuts without reducing expenditure on front-line services.And then there is the general tone of the Tory party.

Michael Ancram, Party chairman, recognises this and is talking more in terms of "mainstream" Britain. He, more than anyone at Central Office, understands the charge that the Tories are still seen as narrow, prejudiced and out of touch.The Channel 4 profile of Mr Hague, last night, did little to soften the "skinhead Conservatism" which his physical appearance reinforces. All that was missing from the sequence showing the Tory leader wearing jeans, T-shirt and severe crew cut was a tattoo and a pit bull terrier.But it would be churlish not to recognise that the Tory party is back in business at Bournemouth, compared to the disasters that it faced in previous conferences Party workers are now energised and in good spirits They, if no-one else, now "believe in Hague". With this achieved, which may ensure he keeps his job as Party leader after the election even if he loses, Hague can afford to use his address to reach out beyond the conference hall For too long the Tories have been talking to themselves.

This can now stop.My advice is to keep the whole week reasonably low-key. Not that there is much danger of many of the frontbenchers dazzling us with great oratory, anyway. Apart from Mr Hague and Mr Ancram, only Mr Portillo and Ann Widdecombe are likely to rouse the troops. Mr Portillo has too much serious work to do to stray beyond his brief and make a subtle bid for the leadership. That leaves Miss Widdecombe, always a great cabaret act on these occasions, who needs to be told to keep the tin lid on her worst excesses.Hopefully, the danger of the Tories being hijacked by the ghosts of leaders past will be minimised. Baroness Thatcher and Sir Edward Heath are billed to make only walk-on appearances, although John Major intends to have his say by warning against too much euro-bashing. Mr Hague will not be able to rely on a Nelson Mandela to aid his finale.

Only Margaret Thatcher accompanying General Pinochet onto the stage could hope to get the Tories into a similar fervour. Thankfully, this will not happen, so it will fall to Mr Hague alone to begin the fight back.mrbrown pimlico.freeserve.co.uk. Getting behind the wheel of a machine that is capable of killing people is not for the likes of dreamy, wool-gathering airheads like me I made this decision quite early on in life. I was aged about 16 or 17, pedalling along on my pushbike, lost in a reverie, when I realised that not only was I cycling the wrong way down a one-way street, but a juggernaut was inches from my face. Pausing only to register the more than expressive body language of the lorry driver, I swerved, fell into a ditch and resolved never to learn how to drive. Getting behind the wheel of a machine that is capable of killing people is not for the likes of dreamy, wool-gathering airheads like me I made this decision quite early on in life.

I was aged about 16 or 17, pedalling along on my pushbike, lost in a reverie, when I realised that not only was I cycling the wrong way down a one-way street, but a juggernaut was inches from my face. Pausing only to register the more than expressive body language of the lorry driver, I swerved, fell into a ditch and resolved never to learn how to drive. How foolish of me. If I had motoring skills I could now be heading as fast as humanly possible to Salem, Pennsylvania, home of the world's very first drive-through strip club Yes, you read that a-right, ladies and gentlemen A strip club that you can drive through. One of those brilliant ideas that has entrepreneurs the world over slapping their foreheads and moaning, "Now why didn't I think of that?" Forget clockwork radios or Third World water purifying systems - here is true progress. You get behind the wheel of your Morris Minor, perhaps with a thermos and sandwiches, and for only $5 per minute you can motor past a scantily-clad woman who will remove some, if not all, of the scanties in which she is clad. Now that's what I call progress.The owner of this brave new establishment is one Nick Fratangelo, and far be it from me to make snap judgements on the strength of someone's name and occupation, but what is it about Mr Fratangelo and his drive-through strip joint, subtly called The Climax Gentleman's Club, that makes me think "low-life hood making easy money out of gullible jerks"?Oh, to have been in that cosy little downtown pasta joint run by that lovely old Italian momma who murdered six husbands, while names for the club were being bandied about.