Yes, this is the first ever column to adopt some frogspawn as official columnar pets That's them, in there. You, quite reasonably, want to know about the jar in that picture It's an old mayonnaise jar. I still miss the Pelican Club, where Hughie Drummond was once accused of throwing the boar's head that had knocked a passing peer into the fireplace senseless "Nonsense," replied Drummond "It couldn't have been me I've thrown nothing but jelly all evening." Next! RIGHT. Unfortunately, he was knocked over and killed by a cab while he was inspecting it. Did you know they used to have hackney carriage races up and down St James's Street? Terrific. You wouldn't get any of today's cabbies playing ball, would you? And does anybody remember Colonel Pierpoint? He was the member of White's who had the first central traffic island in London built there in 1864 because he was worried about being run down during all the shenanigans.

So far, Jimbo is going very well, but I'm a bit worried about Pete. Apparently, his chance to meet prospective fellow trencherers and barbuttonholers did not go terribly well. Quiet, left early, that sort of thing, whispers, or what pass for them in the Garrick, of "unclubbability". Perhaps he should have a word with Jim, few tips, spare gags, ice-breakers, "take my wife Do take my wife", you know the form Jim's agent is on 0171-836 1020, Pete Heaven knows, clubland could do with livening up a bit It used to be such fun. Jimbo is up for membership at the Carlton; Pete fancies his chances at the Garrick. And these are tense times indeed for cockney comic Jim "Nick, Nick" Davidson, and his fellow cheeky chappie and classicist, Peter "Eye Eyeshade" Stothard, editor of the Times. I thank Nib and then contact the press office for BBC Television News.

They say they are unaware of any such complaints about Moira's relaunch So What Birtista plot is this? Debate shall not be stifled. What do you think? Study the two pictures of Moira reproduced exclusively below; then ring 0171-293 2462 and Tell The Captain! AROUND The Clubs with Captain Moonlight. "Captain! Moira Stuart! Talented, black and husky newscaster! You will have noticed that she has a new hairstyle? Well, apparently the phones are going mad with viewers saying they don't like it!" Important news, indeed, giving the lie to claims that the British public is "dumbing down" and losing its interest in news and current affairs. BBRRNNGG! Ah, yes, the trill of the telephone, discordant harbinger of fresh and significant intelligence from the moving, shaking world of influence and moment! And, this time, it is none other than my media correspondent, Russell Nib, reporting back from a mission. For, picking up on the grapevine that ITN's News at Ten is moving to a new "slot" tomorrow, and displaying that talent for lateral thought which so distinguishes this column, I have charged Nib with discovering what is going on over at the BBC.

Agricola was the father-in-law of the historian Tacitus, who summed up Roman imperial policy in a speech given by a British chieftain: "They make a desert, they call it peace." Or, in the contemporary idiom of the US Senate, they conduct missile strikes and they call it peaceful resolution.Thomas Fleming is editor of `Chronicles: A Magazine of American Culture'.. We don't like jackboots or concentration camps over here; we prefer soft pornography, recreational drugs, and cable television. Hedonism does a far more effective job of controlling the yahoos than crackdowns or forced-labour camps, and if only Saddam and Slobodan would give up their futile resistance to Americanisation, their people could enjoy all the blessings of imperial citizenship: a Big Mac in every microwave, a satellite dish in front of every trailer, and endless reruns of Seinfeld, Melrose Place and Friends.From time to time the French try to limit the number of American films that can be shown in France, and a few months ago I saw an anti-McDonald's demonstration in front of the duomo in Milan, but when Uncle Sam sends out the call for allied peace-keeping troops, the French and the Italians will be there. Like the Ionian Greeks who accompanied Xerxes in his campaign to enslave Hellas, they will do what they have to do.Americans, of course, don't study either Latin grammar or Greek history This is where the English have the advantage. In a coy wink at the truth, Tony Blair's government has named the Kosovo mission "Operation Agricola" after the Roman general who pacified Britain, first by bribing the savages with consumer luxuries and then by mercilessly crushing all resistance.

We can never hope to match the domestic tyranny of Chinese Communists or the jackbooted religious zealotry of Islamic fundamentalist states. In many respects, the American empire is still the smiley-faced theme-park that Europeans remember. If the Serbs succeeded in inflicting a few hundred casualties, the American public would demand either an end to the campaign or the use of nuclear weapons, preferably some of the clean little tactical devices the Pentagon has been working on.In their hearts most Americans mean well. The difference today is that we Americans believe we have a right to impose our will on the world without running any significant risks. Mothers and fathers have always worried when they sent their children off to war and we have always prayed that our kids would kill their kids and come home safe and sound.